Trust Me

trust

such a powerful word

yet wielded wrongly at every turn

in the right hands,

trust brings a lot

it can bring faith

it can bring security

reassurance

confidence

knowing

certainty

maybe even hope

but i've seen it in a whole different light

trust that brings doubt

trust that brings fear

hurt

paranoia

disbelief

pain

but most cunning of all

deceit

to see trust misplaced

in a way that plants seeds of hurt

that brings tears

and pain that knows no measure

that only the tree that grows over the wounds

will know what it is

and carry its burden

in the lines etched on its bark

as the leaves mourn with every gust of the wind

and the branches ache with fatigue

will you be the one to water this tree

having planted its seed in the first place

where will you be standing

to watch this tree grow

alas

that honor is mine to seize

i spit on your lacks

i despise your faults

i loathe who you are and what you have done

for all your wrongs

and every time you stood by it

and your attempts at defending yourself

and i pity the fool that is you

and as i step back

and look at the bigger picture

the doubt arises

the fear

the paranoia

the uncertainty

have i trust enough to fully take on this honor?

have i trust enough in Others who can help me?

have i trust in her?

have i trust in me?

how far back do i have to go

to unearth the girl beneath the tree

only with You

will i dare

only in You can i trust

that being a part in growing this tree

is one which does not involve me

so my trust is in You

that i can step aside and watch in trust

that she will trust You in the same

and may the tree stand tall

and sing praises to Your name

forever and always

Numbers 32:23

today's message was brought to you by the word : HELIUM

just desserts...you'll like this

he could stand pain, himself. he just couldn't stand hers. [pp-458]


when you loved someone, you put their needs before your own.
no matter how inconceivable those needs were; no matter how fucked up; no matter how much it made you feel like you were ripping yourself into pieces. [pp-403]


'do you know what it's like to give your whole self to a person, and your whole heart to boot, until you've got nothing left to give - and then realize that it still isn't what they need?' [pp-335]


'listen to my voice and i shall be your God, and you shall be my people' Jeremiah 7:23


'a new heart also i will give you, and a new spirit will i put within you' Ezekiel 36:26


'...one day i kind of looked at her, and i didn't just see Em, i saw this really beautiful girl. and, well...you know'

'were you intimate?'

'do i have to tell you if i don't want to?'

'you don't have to tell me anything at all'

'well, i don't want to'

'but you loved her'

'yes'

'and she was your first girlfriend'

'well, pretty much, yeah'

'so, how do you know? how do you know that is was love?'

'there was an attraction, but it was more than that. once, we broke up for a while. i started hanging around with this other girl who i'd always thought was really hot. anyway, we started going out places and fooling around a little and every time i was with her i realized i didn't know her too well. i'd hyped her up in my head to be so much more than what she really was. when Em and i got back together, i could see that she had never been less than what i'd figured her to be. if anything, she was always better than i remembered. and that's what i think love is, when your hindsight's twenty-twenty, and you still wouldn't change a thing.' [pp-129]


if there was a smile, it was just hiding something you can't see....
and if you didn't see a smile, that was just because i couldn't.



here's to recent developments, past expositions, the one and Emily

today's message was brought to you by the word : PACT

oh my word.

never did know you could type up your blog post in 5 different indian dialects

imagine the surprise when your words turn into things you don't understand
and yet it would seem so familiar
as though the same muses
the same inspirations
contributed
to a different result
a catharsis of sorts
like a windmill that goes round and round
without knowing why
there are the ups and there are the downs
and being able to truly be there for every moment
to see and feel

makes all the difference that life holds

for what good is it
being all over the place
only to not remember
to not be remembered
to not be acknowledged
acclaimed
unappreciated
to have the moments pass you by
the confidante of memories
a privilege forsaken
life being the menagerie of emotions
of feelings
of hopelessness and of lost
of faith and of trust
of disappointment and anger
of rejection and frustration

of relief

life is all about the memories
make them at your own risk
place priorities that you may see where you really stand
ro-sham-bo your way to freedom
be liberated
live

find it all
store it up
like a collection
to view and peruse
at a later time

for truly
what else is there?

today's message was brought to you by the word: NEGLECT

an ode to Grace

like the embers that once was
from a coal as darkness is
what once was solid and strong
strikes now as brittle and fragile
and yet what could do such a thing
save a fire that burns from love

i see these hands of mine
and look at it crumble
to feel it break in my fingertips
to know if not for me
all this would be unavoidable

how fragile it is now
from what once was
that what set out to strengthen and fortify
has become the shattered link

pick up the bones
erase the burn
find it once again
bring in your joy
and realize from your depreciation
another will appreciate so much more

you liar and hypocrite
pick up your bones
that you may seek solace
in this terrible, terrible dance of yours

depreciation

oh woe is me
the victim of a depreciation

isn't it amazing how
you can just look at something
and see its value in a way that no one else understands?
see the worth that is beyond its outward appearance
see how important it can be
how great the potential for it
the vastness of how far it can reach within your heart
and think that you'd be willing
to bend over backwards to attain it
achieve it
grasp it

to even just touch

but lo and behold
here comes the difference
the second opinion
the worry of what the public might think
the look on your face when you realise its not as ideal as you think
the backlash of gossip
the burn of knowing you jumped too soon
judged to early
not out of prejudice
but out of hope

and as beauty was once in the eye of the beholder
the value that once was in that eye
has all but whittled away
to be left with the impression of beauty of another

and
to have left something depreciated so
to have hurt the feelings of one that was appreciated
to cut it down at its knees
and bring its esteem crashing to the floor
to turn its whole world upside down
out of your own selfishness
can not compare to the scorn that is deserving
should the depreciation
be initiated by you
and by you alone
and by you alone
only can all scorn fall
for that would be worthy of your avarice

to have your value adjusted by others
in due times of inflation and crises
but to adjust the value yourself
in search of something else that looks more valuable

oh the woe is on you



today's message was brought to you by the word : MAGNANIMOUS

Kekasih

Akan kupintal buih-buih
menjadi tali
mengikatmu

akan kuanyam gelombang-gelombang
menjadi hamparan
ranjang tidurmu

akan kutenun awan-gemawan
menjadi selendang
menudungi rambutmu

akan kujahit bayu gunung
menjadi baju
pakaian malammu

akan kupetik bintang timur
menjadi kerongsang
menyinari dadamu

akan kujolok bulan gerhana
menjadi lampu
menyuluhi rindu

akan kurebahkan matari
menjadi laut malammu
menghirup sakar madumu

Kekasih, hitunglah mimpi
yang membunuh realiti
dari syurga ilusi



Usman Awang

Sonnet XVII

I don't love you as if you were the salt-rose, topaz
or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:
I love you as certain dark things are loved,
secretly, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that doesn't bloom and carries
hidden within itself the light of those flowers,
and thanks to your love, darkly in my body
lives the dense fragrance that rises from the earth.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you simply, without problems or pride:
I love you in this way because I don't know any other way of loving

but this, in which there is no I or you,
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand,
so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close.


Pablo Neruda

funnily enough

isn't it funny how time is relative?

last night seemed so far away because you enjoyed it
and now its gone
last year seemed just like yesterday
and how difficult life was then
but then again,
comes down to what you choose in that time,
and whether or not you choose to enjoy it
or be eaten up by it.

given the choice,
which would you be?

an actor?
a pilot?
a model?
a lawyer?
an environmentalist?
a marine biologist?
....
the list goes on and on

ambitions are what they're called
to give u direction
or objectives on what to achieve
motivation to spur you on

let's be realistic here
our ambitions don't really matter
funnily enough
its what you are that matters
or more like what you've become

let's rephrase the question
if you had to choose between being
a hypocrite
or a manipulator
which would you choose?

a hypocrite
in a nutshell, not doing as you say everybody else should
just shrouded by your own misery of how difficult your standards are
that you never seem to achieve them
always falling short
of how tremendously insane it is to ask it of you
and yet ask it from others

a manipulator
one who controls all the variables
who knows what exactly he is doing and how he is doing it
but by having other people do it instead
without them knowing it
the mark is to inspire
to motivate
to encourage
to manipulate

the lesser of two evils?
is there one?
what is your definition of an evil?
one where you deceive people into thinking better of you?
one where you try to make people believe they are inadequate?
one where people are hurt?

turns out
that two evils aren't so different after all
so why choose?

today's message was brought to you by the word : DIFFERENT

maintenance

would you believe me if i said
that i'm done living dreams

that i'm done searching for that
somewhere over the rainbow
waiting for that
someday skies are blue
and the dreams that you dare to dream
really do come true

i'll wish upon a star
and wake up where the clouds are far behind me
where troubles melt like lemon drops
away above the chimney tops.



a tribute to what once was


who writes this stuff anyways?


today's message was brought to you by the word : DECIPHER

Fire & Hope

FIRE AND HOPE ARE CONNECTED just so you know.
The way the Greeks told it, Zeus put Prometheus and Epimetheus in charge of creating life on earth.
Epimetheus made the animals, giving out bonuses like swiftness and strength and fur and wings.
By the time Prometheus made man, all the best qualities had been given out.
He settled for making them walk upright, and he gave them fire.


Zeus, pissed off, took it away.
But Prometheus saw his pride and joy shivering and unable to cook.
He lit a torch from the sun and brought it to man again.
To punish Prometheus, Zeus had him chained to a rock, where an eagle fed on his liver.
To punish man, Zeus created the first woman

--- Pandora ---

and gave her a gift, a box she was forbidden to open.


Pandora’s curiosity got the best of her,
and one day she opened that box.
Out came plagues and misery and mischief.
She managed to shut the lid tight before hope escaped.


It’s the only weapon we have left to fight the others.



Jodi Picoult - My Sister's Keeper

quote for mine

you look at me with those eyes
and you judge me to be immature
yet without knowing
you have casted your first stone

you throw me no pity
no mercy
no grace
no pardon nor favor
for all you see is disgust
all you see is disgrace

you ask for respect
when you give none
you demand things of me
yet you tell me none
you allow me no reason
and you expect me to mature?

be the hypocritical man you are
burn your principles into your skin
let it be etched in your memory
for your ways may be imparted in me
yet there is nothing else for you
when you are a metal rod
that allows no bends
that can only see breaks

i keep looking for bridges
i keep searching for you
but through your narrow mind
no bridge can cross
no path can be taken
for even the path not taken
cannot be my own

rant all you want
but your middle man can't do
for i am my father's son
and his spirit lives in me

neverending

how long has it been since you last were a hypocrite?
how long has it been since you last succumbed
to being a part of the norm
the norm
that tells us to be nice
to be polite
to be a friend

sure

to be a liar
to be a conman
to be one who commits themselves
to underlying lies and cheats
and trick and deceive
the people closest to them
for they truly are the easiest ones


hypocrisy
such an art
and yet
so easy to be broken
all it takes is one of its own
to deceive the deceiver
to betray one's trust

when that one
has been a hypocrite themselves
to lie
cheat
deceive
and betray
only to be betrayed themselves
would that not be salt in the wound?

hypocrites
u want to live with them for they think they know the world
they can manipulate
they can toggle
they can toy
they can play with
with concerns of what they think is right
with thoughts of their ideals
their ideals
of how the world should turn
of so many things
that are never under their control


yet


they choose to pass judgment
they choose to acknowledge their superiority
over their ignorance

and they pass their own judgment



today's message was brought to you by the word : BURN

there is no need

there's no need for words
when you have nothing to say

there's no need for love
when you burn your life away

there's no need for companions
when you're nothing but a loner

there's no need for things
that you know you're not gonna want

and yet with all this needs
nothing comes to mind
but the needs that we yearn for
without desire
the needs that we burn for
with passion
and no understanding
these needs
that turn into wants

and we want so much
so much to see
so much to feel
so much to hurt
so much to joy for
so much to respect
so much to be adored
just so so much



for truly
we never needed anything anyway

riddle me this

here's a riddle,
what's not shared but much sought after
and when shared
you'd wish it wasn't sought after?



a secret.

here's a secret
humans are the biggest form of disappointment ever

it's funny how
we like to take things into our own hands
and not believe that humans are the most complex things in the world.
how we like to believe that everything is predictable.
how we think we're always right
and how we fail to see
that beyond our linear plane of thinking
that plane that is so predictable,
so straightforward and limited,
there is another plane
of the unimaginable
the unthinkable
and that plane is what we call

naivety

we can be so naive as to think
that everybody else thinks like us
that we can think like everybody else
and find out what their next step is
to know what they are going through
and have the exact emotions run through our mind.
and arrive at our own conclusions.
now don't get me wrong
these conclusions are alright
it's when you act upon them
when you take the first step
in trying to aide a friend doesn't need aide
in trying to confront a friend that has nothing to hide.
thats when things get dodgy
whats more
the ignorant
not the naive anymore
mind you
these are people who can be so oblivious to the world around them
as to not see that they could be wrong
and not believe what the other person is saying

disappointment

yet
to those who possess
the intuition
the heart
the sensitivity
to arrive at the right conclusions

i use this words because thats exactly what it is
an unknown thing
that is ingrained
not taught
not learnt
not through experience
but given

being able to act upon their conclusions
in their words and actions
with heart and compassion
are given the honor of


sincerity



today's message was brought to you by the word : EVERYTHING

full circle

its been so long now
and so many things have changed
have you?
how far away have you steered
from your original direction?

sometimes you just don't know...
living in your crowded loneliness
you just won't know
whether what you're doing
is indeed what you want to be doing
or how you are perceived
is how you want it to be.

and depression hits you like a truck
solid and all-consuming
and you're lonely
and quiet
in a place of noise
where things are so alive
and you
just stay there
not knowing where else to go
for this is the direction you're in
and it's all you can do
just to stay above water



take a break

get some rest

and a long sleep

for when u awaken
sober and aware
you would have known
that you would have to arrive full circle
before anything changes

today's post was brought to you by the word : ALPHABET

invincible

ever had such ambitions in your mind
like you were invincible
the sky was your limit
and even then
you felt like you could go further

ever wondered if it was possible to achieve that
to just be able to achieve your goals
heck
even reach them
these ambitions that burn
that create such drive
such passion
such distinct thoughts
that stretch and twist reality
are we invincible by our own means?
or are we stuck in believing
that our ambitions are just that

and nothing more.....

you just keep thinking
this is how its going to go down
this is how its going to be
this is how i will make of it
then you're so sucked up into your own warped reality
your own ideal
your own idea of success
that should you fail to achieve it
you will fall hard
you will burn and wonder
where did it all go wrong?

the idea was there
you've had so many years to just think about your ambition
practically your whole life
and still
you can't get it right
but where does the error lie?
planning for your whole life
requires just that
your whole life
does this prove that
you're just one big
failure

to the extent
you've had your entire life to plan about something
just run your thoughts
in the million possibilities
of "how its going to go down"
and still
you're just one big
failure

no

ambitions take your entire life to plan
they're the child of your invincibility
the result of what's to come
and if you're still alive
you're still very much

vulnerable

today's message was brought to you by the word : JOYS

One Art

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

-Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster




- elizabeth bishop -

pheonix

here i am again

its been awhile
as i've found another way to find relief
learnt a lot of things in so little time

i'm astounded
i'm in awe
i'm petrified
and in spite of all that.....

i am grateful for all that has happened

sometimes just living life is difficult
always falling
and sometimes
you just fall so far down
that as you try to get up again
you stumble to your knees
as your kness are raw
and your palms are scraped
you will find yourself reaching out

for help

and whatever decision you make after that
whatever choices you may put your life in
however you want to jeapordize things
it is this help
that will make all the difference

the most difficult part of all
is ensuring you actually seek this help

what most of us fail to understand
is that this help has always been there
yet
we choose to scrape our knees
and bleed our palms
and at the end of it all
we still seek this help

after the storm
when the wounds are healing
and the callouses and scars have made us strong again
it just adds salt to the wound
to know
how hurt this help must have been
when we didn't first reach out for it

today's message was brought to you by the word : PALOOZAH

about me

the fisherman's son

i am but your son
sailing in the sea
toiling away
for your respect
looking for that moment
of acceptance between you & me

i am but your son
looking for you
nowhere to be found
in the waves of the sea
where are you now

i do the best i can
i want to live
up to your expectations
for you to be proud
of me
at the cost of me

but there's only so much
i can do
when you won't row to me
and for that
i throw the line to you

whose son am i now?

what's the best?

open your eyes

life is so full of humour
amusement awaits at every corner
it is always interesting
at times slow
yet
only as boring as you make of it
maybe even lonely....

is loneliness a feeling?
or is it another form of perception?
we perceive the idea of being alone as lonely
but some people are fine with perfect solitude
even happier in such a peaceful environment
unfortunately
most people aren't
they crave for the attention
they long for the company
they desire for somebody
they look for relationships
emotional attachments
which may be more demanding
than demanded for

irony
the second best form of humour

the word love
only four letters
and yet
sought after by the world over
in an effort to conquer loneliness?
brings about such bliss
and yet
hurt so much you'd give it up
kinda like a drug eh?

and this love we speak of
is it a feeling as well?
or is it perception as well?
how do u define love?
or is it constantly changing?
can you only love one?
or can love of one
be shared by many?
is it as simple as pheromones
just flying around in the air
that tells us who makes a compatible partner
or even just chemistry?
just clicking
having things in common and so much conversation
communication

but let's face it
we were born alone
we will die alone

maybe all feelings are just
very bad perceptions
so enjoy your company
love your somebody
and appreciate your relationships
for you only get one chance in it
after the dust settles
after everything
as the dirt falls on your coffin
you will be so very much


alone

today's message was brought to you by the word : CLASS